TRANSMISSION 24

This week I’m shooting you a quick note. It’s the best I can do in my current state of mind. No video as I have been working non stop and haven’t felt inspired since last week’s interaction with that trade tipped my nervous system off to the dangers lurking in the smiles of strangers. I knew eventually I would fumble my ability to keep up with this vlog schedule and I guess this week proves to be the lucky one. My camcorder is sitting on my desk empty. 

I am flushed with the heat in my house and alone with my sweat. I started writing a longer email but I can’t think with how stifling the air is in this heat wave and abandoned it for another time when I can think straight. 

I decided to try my hand at writing a guided meditation audio but haven’t finished it. A common theme this week. My mind keeps floating off into distractions to cope with the emotions I don’t want to feel. Getting triggered is dizzying and frustrating, isn’t it? Derails you. I hope to release the track this week if I can squeeze in time after work and find the shore of my emotional swells that seem to be pulling me further out to sea - despite my thrashing for solid ground. The track is sounding beautiful but I need to be in the headspace to make sure it’s as relaxing as I intend it to be. If I tried to do it today it would be obviously filled with stress, anxiety and frustration. The things I hope it will help to relieve in you once you hear it. 

My visa expires in about a week and I’ll be heading to Paris for a few days in order to restart it and begin my next three months working here in London. I’ve never been to Paris. I’m excited to finally see the places I’ve admired in books and feel the romance only solo travel can bring. Brushing up on my French so I don’t sound like an arrogant American but I am afraid of the judgement I’ll feel anyway. Hoping I’ll stumble upon a beautiful cafe where I can sit and drink coffee quietly while I write in my journal like I’ve imagined I would if I ever had to chance to be in France. 

I need your friendship this week if you care to reply. I took time off from social media again because the phone started feeling like an IV drip for dopamine and everything was pissing me off. I’ve been reading Hamlet and working in the studio to try and ground my body back in reality. 

I did have an idea. You could think it’s corny but I’m hoping you’ll do it if you feel up to it. 

I’d like to collect a sentence or two from you of encouragement to the other people on this email list. I thought I could compile all of them together next week and send them off as a way to collectively care for one another. Might feel good to say what you need to hear to the people who need it most. It’s been cathartic for me to do each week for you and maybe it will be cathartic for you to do too. Help me write the next one? 

I can name you or you can be anonymous. No need to make it flowery unless you what it to be. I hope I won’t be embarrassed by an empty inbox but my pride can take it if you’re too tired or busy to participate. 

If you feel like joining, here are a few prompts to get you started: 

What are some simple words or phrases you say to yourself to keep going? 

What would you say to your queer or trans friend waking up today in a hostile world? 

What do you wish someone would say to you right now to help you feel held? 

Give it a shot and send me something if you want. I look forward to hearing from you. Try to send them by next Sunday if you can. 

XO- Freak

P.S. What you read above is a portion of the full letter I email to my fans each week. If you want to see it, hop on my email list. To read previous letters, subscribe to my Substack.

In light of the loss of suicide prevention hotlines in the US, please take advantage of the community I started over on Discord. If you still need access, just text me. If you feel like you’re on the brink and can’t get a hold of anyone to talk to just shoot me a text. I am always happy to listen.

DARCHNERVE TEXT LINE: 323-657-3474