TRANSMISSION 18

Last Wednesday, I showed up with Imogen to this venue called Ormside Projects (@ormsideprojects) in London whose facade was a simple door leading to a staircase next to an unassuming take out restaurant. Up the stairs was a small room with one, single, industrial lamp above a table covered in wires and samplers. The label, Under My Feet was celebrating 10 years and we all stood around as Drew McDowell (@drewmcdowall), Aho Ssan (@aho_ssan) and label owner, Ireen Amnes (@ireenamnes) performed their emotional soundscapes live in the middle of the crowded room. It was a profound experience. The vibration of the quadraphonic sound system and the disjointed, unpredictable melodies they played felt intensely meditative. I found myself squirming at the vulnerability it stirred up in me like silt in my subconscious pond.

+++ Ctl Alt Delete +++

Then on Friday night I made it over to PieHouse Co-Op (@piehouse.coop) for a community event called Ctl Alt Delete where bands performed to raise money for gender affirming surgeries needed in the community. I saw Tom (@tootommo) from The Oozes there working the door and his partner Eerie (@eerieandstrange) was with him offering up some of their art in the raffle. I managed to catch the sets of Okayitsme (@okay1tsme) and Pussy Liquor (@pxssyliqxor). There was a sea of trans men that night and it’s always a thrill to see so many of us in one place.

I saw that a guy named Tyson (@tysontoldme) put together a fundraiser like this in Houston, TX. He and bunch of tboys held a car wash and raised money for guys in their community to get top surgery.

I hope events like this keep happening. I think group show or event fundraising is an incredible way to pool resources and come together. You can watch Tyson’s viral video here: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP86W83FF/

+++ Crypto Rave +++

One of Londons hottest parties, Riposte (@riposte.London) held a crypto themed rave complete with a piñata shaped like Elon Musk holding a twitter logo and riding a cyber truck. I finally got to meet performer and stage manager, Porscha Present (@porschaspresent), who invited me, as well as performers Bonk (@bonkthequeen) and Nat Funni (@natfunni). Frigid | Fi (@frigid.cvnt) and I reunited from the last time I saw her at the Devine. She gave me a lay of the land and I joined her in firing off money guns onto the dance floor.

The night was loud and sacred. I watched so many beautiful bodies, many of them queer, dancing with one another in the low ceiling rooms filled with the steam of their sweat -thick enough to fog my lens.

+++ Kill Comparison +++

The last two days, thanks to my struggling mental health, the narratives in my head got pretty bleak. I started to forget who I was and felt like an imposter in my own life. I spiraled and couldn’t seem to convince myself of my worth. Thanks to a call from my production partner Saint Pressure, I was reminded of the parts of myself I was refusing to look at. It was a lesson in the importance of friendships where you are seen and respected and a testament to my inner critic that the narratives that used to keep me safe from disappointment aren’t necessary anymore. They are holding me back from an outdated fear of self-rejection. I don’t abandon myself. Not anymore.

Killing my comparison would be swinging at a ghost. There is no comparison. You and me are reflections of our own slice of divinity and it is not something anyone can take or overshadow. Yet, we create versions of ourselves internally we then martyr to our self hatred in order to feel control over the inevitable pain of life.

That dance got old for me.

I wanted to try loving myself as hard as I hated myself. That process has spanned almost a decade now and it showed me the things in myself that are intangible - that no one else can replicate. I love those things about myself. (Even if I still need reminding.

There really is a deep, conscious, abundance in your every breath and I hope you mf cherish yourself today.

This idea of scarcity is a virus. There is and always will be room for each and every one of us to spread ourselves out on this earth, take a deep breath, and know that we are safe, fed and loved.

That reality starts inside your own mind

XO- Freak

P.S. Email subscribers get a longer more intimate letter from me each week. If you want to see it, hop on my email list or subscribe to my Substack.

In light of the loss of suicide prevention hotlines in the US, please take advantage of the community I started over on Discord. If you still need access, just text me. If you feel like you’re on the brink and can’t get a hold of anyone to talk to just shoot me a text. I am always happy to listen.

DARCHNERVE TEXT LINE: 323-657-3474