TRANSMISSION 20

I’m working on a new track I’m calling ‘Suffer.’ It’s the first song I’ve written in over a year. I met up with Lucas Polo (@lucas.polo.guitarist) at Phil Manzanera of Roxy Music's Gallery Studios to track some atmospheric sounds. My friend Dolly Spectra (@dollyspectra) introduced us and I was happy to finally get to collaborate. We had a blast running keyboards through effects pedals until the sound became something we both smiled about. At moments, Lucas was on the floor turning knobs as I plunked out melodies to create unique and eerie patters that would make Trent Reznor jealous.

+++ Solo Date +++

I took myself to Victoria park and walked through the humidity watching friends on blankets and rollerbladers skating to their own boomboxes that lined the path. I have spent most of this week outlining the core plot points of my book and it has felt good to pick it back up again. I’m finally making some headway and feel like this thing may actually be ready to come out of me. Sometimes, I doubt whether I can handle birthing this work but other times I know I have no choice.

I meandered until I saw a quaint restaurant called Bruno. I sat alone and ordered rotisserie chicken, a baguette and green salad with mustard dressing. It was delicious. As I stared at the wall of wine bottles I felt a tug I haven’t in a long time. The weight of all the pain and fear - the survival mode I find myself in most days had me asking “how bad would it be to drink one glass?” I sat in the discomfort of my own desire and waited - mentally considering the ramifications of my choice to end 5 years of alcohol sobriety. I asked myself “what are you hoping to feel by drinking again?” - “is there a way we can feel it without drinking?” - “when I wake up tomorrow, will I be happy I made the choice to drink or happy I didn’t?”

I ordered a soda.

The waiter came over. He had clocked my T and mentioned a lesbian bar not too far away. I had hoped to find a place to be with my community but felt the nagging pull again. A desire to free fall into a night with a brain drowned in spirits.

Will I drink there?

I walked for 15 min to La Camionera. I sat alone, again. I ordered a non-alcoholic sparkling wine and sipped my sugar juice just long enough to build up the courage to bum a cigarette off a cool group of women sitting in the courtyard. I discovered they were from Los Angeles and it felt comforting to talk about home and to hear about their lives.

I walked home grateful I chose myself again. Even if I hadn’t been able to resist the urge, I would still love myself through it. But the courage and internal fortitude makes me incredibly proud. I forget, because it’s been years, that my choice not to drink makes a difference in my everyday life. Not just because I’m no longer hungover or chasing the next bender but because it grants me a sense of grounding and pride I don’t think I would have otherwise. The sobriety is like an invisible foundation to this new life I’ve built for myself. Just for today, I’m choosing to keep feeling that way.

If you're dealing with relapse or considering it just know you're not alone. With everything going on it's a miracle any of us are sober. No matter how you choose to cope right now, just remember to never betray yourself.

+++ SXSW London +++

It’s the first time SXSW has happened in London and it’s also the first time Imogen has ever attended. The week is slammed with things to do and places I have to be. I’m laying here in bed typing on my phone with one eye open - it's now the morning of June 3 - as this will likely be the only free time I have today.

Looks like I will be doing an improv choral session with TransVoices UK (@transvoicesuk) later at Protein Gallery. Over the weekend, they performed with Ke$ha at Mighty Hoopla during her song 'Praying.'

Today's improv will be in collaboration with Glitch Collective (@glitchartistscollective) and their ethically trained generative AI system. I look forward to telling you all about it.

XO- Freak

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In light of the loss of suicide prevention hotlines in the US, please take advantage of the community I started over on Discord. If you still need access, just text me. If you feel like you’re on the brink and can’t get a hold of anyone to talk to just shoot me a text. I am always happy to listen.

DARCHNERVE TEXT LINE: 323-657-3474