TRANSMISSION 17

What’s something you learned about yourself this week that surprised you?

My heart has been adjusting to the loneliness and solitude of my new life. I spend most of my time alone and speaking to friends back home is always a balancing act with the time difference. It’s forced me to lean on the ways I’ve learned to hold myself. Skills I was forced to strengthen during lockdown when I decided I couldn’t wait any longer to look like a man. Every day I would put on my compression bra and stand in front of the mirror smearing on a glob of testo gel - then stand and wait for the sticky solution to dry on my skin. I would look at myself and pray the changes to my body wouldn’t make me hate myself more than I already did.

Five years later, I can confidently say, it did the opposite. I love my body now even on the days my dysphoria tells me “men don’t look like me.” When I hear the thought squeal through my mind I smile, look back past my reflexive flinch, and counter my overprotective inner critic:

“Because there’s never been a man like me.”

Being abandoned by my family that first year of transitioning destabilized me in a way that pushed my emotional regulation needs out and on anyone within earshot. I was like a walking open wound, frustrated at how poorly human beings acted as bandaids. No one could comfort me, hold me, see me or love me enough because the void was something I had to fill. I could never be satisfied receiving what I needed to give myself from someone else. I had lost my footing in the world and the only place I could find to set down my pain was on top of my own needs. I searched for months to find all the reasons why I deserved to be discarded. I found people willing to play a role in my reenactment of my devastating familial rejection in both relationships and friendships. Each one would tear me apart before they discarded me and I welcomed the pain as proof I was the one worth hating.

Once I had enough, I ran into the arms of a woman named Mary and she sat with me while I plugged my nose and bit down on leather, digging out the puss of years of unfelt feelings. I couldn’t talk about what I felt anymore, I had to scream and vomit. I had to watch my body roll through various unexplained health issues in my stomach, in my back muscles, in my hand and in my chest. I learned how to meditate so I could sit with myself in it and outside of it- like an emotional doula watching each one rip its way through me - all the while holding my own hand and reminding myself to breathe.

My body and mind had been disconnected for years. I had to rebuild the bridge I had burned down between us to survive being closeted and whatever else gave me this CPTSD. That took time and patience.

I have to be my own knower, witness and best friend in this new and rapidly changing reality I have traveled to. I know now that I can handle anything life may throw at me with grace and calm confidence. I know now that I can and will hold myself through life’s daily ups and downs. I don't need people to catch me anymore because I learned to embrace the fall and fly.

I have become relentless in my self love. I took my desire to die and turned it into a refusal.

I hope you’ll live.

I hope you’ll fight the urge to digest the fear others spew at you. You can’t stop them from refusing to acknowledge your humanity- their volcanic hate is the evidence they can’t acknowledge their own self-betrayal. But you can spit in their faces.

+++ FIRST UK SHOW +++

I played my first international show on Saturday here in London at a place called The Rising. Special thanks to Karis for booking me, Richard Energy

Richard Energy (IG @richard_energy) and Duniya Dhoom (IG @duniya_dhoom) for opening the show. It was such an incredible night. Venue was packed. Shout out to the guy in the front row on his knees. That’s right where I like you. ;)

XO- Freak

P.S. In light of the loss of suicide prevention hotlines in the US, please take advantage of the community I started over on Discord. If you still need access, just text me. If you feel like you’re on the brink and can’t get a hold of anyone to talk to just shoot me a text. I am always happy to listen.

DARCHNERVE TEXT LINE: 323-657-3474